I think that a lot of us have experienced (or may experience through our children) this problem.
Babyfat
I want to talk about being overweight. I don’t know what happened but when we moved to America, the change on my body and in my psyche was really significant. In Korea I was used to a lot of positive attention. When we came to the United States, that positivity immediately stopped and it was rather difficult fitting in. I also think the food quality, types of food and additives used also contributed to my weight gain (for sure you can see that in our population). Still as a kid I remember taking solace in food. My mother was not capable of raising us in a supportive kind of manner. She was also going through lot of her own adjustments. Looking back I can imagine she was receiving a lot of negativity too.
How it started
We grew up old fashioned, by parents who both experienced a war and lack of food. My mom would cook enormous amounts of food, pile on seconds and then she would make us eat the entire plate. When she started to realize I was gaining weight, her first reaction was to call me fat and a bunch of other horrible things. She would even rope in my skinny little brother, and they do it together. I don’t want to go into her personality problems but I believe she may have one. Since not only was I fat but I was the “scapegoat”. She didn’t like me as much as my brother, and the weight issue just made it worse. I always stood up to her and told her the truth. There were many things she didn’t want to hear. So I still feel like there was almost some kind of enjoyment garnered from the cruelty that was bestowed on me.
food my friend
So it was basically an everyday thing, they would call me fat and I would start crying. Then something even more messed up would happen to get me to stop crying. My mom would give me sweets to make me feel better. I began to look at food as a friend because it was really hard to find comfort anywhere else. When I think about all the things that happened to me as a child, my body and the way it looked has affected me tremendously. It still does even until this day. A big part affected my ability at sport, and thus my confidence and spontaneity to want to try new things. I always felt people were looking at me, making assumptions I was lazy, and I was a loser. I don’t think I was wrong. I was always chosen last to be on the kickball team. I even remember once a boy on crutches being picked before me.
Fat shaming
In the states, we have this some skewed sense of reality where children who are smart are teased as nerds. Those who know the answer in class are showing off if they raise their hand in class. The only safe place to ever show any personal talent with such gusto was gym class. Athletes are everything in American culture. For some reason this is only aspiration we should all look up to and yearn to be. Much of my lack of expression was tied to being overweight. I was too embarrassed to do anything because I was scared. I never felt secure at school. I was worried that if I knew the answer children would say I was a nerd. At gym class, even the teacher would look at me with disdain when he saw it was my turn during his class. So once in awhile I could have a good day at school, but then I would go home and get verbal abuse. No where was safe.
Korean expectations
In a Korean family, parents tell you that you should be studying all the time. When you go outside my mother would constantly warning me that you should be careful, don’t not fall down, careful about scars on your face, etc. I was raised with so many kind of fears. So for many people sport and exercise are so liberating. For me it is completely opposite. I was an overweight kid trying to do my best, simultaneously trying to avoid falling down and getting hurt, and praying to god no one would shout out something like “faster fatty”! This all affects me to this very day, I still am that kid.
using sports to lose weight
Apparently it was quite traumatic for my mother not to have this perfect daughter. So then the dieting started. My mom did the things she only knew how to in order to help me. By helping me it meant helping me lose weight. My mom would put me in all these activities. She was convinced in back to back schedules so this weight would finally come off. One of them was tennis. I wish I wasn’t so embarrassed to be me at my tennis lessons, perhaps I could have really enjoyed it. That’s why for me it’s so important to encourage my children to do all the athletic activities. I want them to enjoy themselves and participate in team sports. I want to see them get high fives.
sport to build self esteem
The person who has held me most back was me! It was because of my own lack of self-confidence. So put together a way to build your child’s confidence. Have them do things you don’t like to do. Include the things they like to do in every activity. At the moment, my daughter loves gymnastics so when she is playing tennis she will so cartwheels on the court for fun. We take fun photos that exude this confidence. Most of all I allow my daughter to concentrate on the game without fear or shame. She needs to be unaware about how she appears while playing so she won’t feel self conscious. My daughter enjoys tennis, and I encourage her and always tell her she’s good. By my actions, I hope to give her something I never was good at self esteem.
Epilogue
That weight I had as a kid, most of it melted off in my teens and then twenties. I still feel self conscious because words are worse than physical abuse sometimes. They will just stay here forever haunting my mind. There’s nothing wrong with criticism, after all how can we improve? Just approach it in the kindest way possible.