in my mind
At the moment I feel a lot of paranoid feelings. Most likely they exist purely in my mind. I am familiar with a lot of these feelings. Actually, I thought I had resolved a long time ago. What triggered it? I believe it’s location.
physical location
I am a very fortunate person. My family is healthy, and we have a home and enough food to eat. You know regardless of the “free to be whomever you” want society we supposedly currently live in. I feel like I’m physically in a place that’s there to make me feel judged as unworthy.
expat life
When my husband got the offer to work overseas, we embraced it. My parents were also expat when I was born, so my family looked back on those days fondly. This played a major part of why I have chosen to live a life outside of my hometown. My hometown has always made me feel like I would never fit in.
Self Conscious
For some reason I thought a big part of it was American culture (also maybe the area where I’m from?). I felt as if I was always comparing myself to everybody else. I felt the need to put on a facade because I wanted that moment where I didn’t feel like I stuck out like sore thumb. Now I realize it’s necessarily American culture, but it’s rather class structure.
small town values
Being expat and living overseas has been an amazing experience for my family. The problem is usually once we get used to a place we have to move to the next spot. When my husband was sent to Singapore I was disappointed. I wanted to be back in Asia but Singapore my perception was that it’s basically like my hometown but in Asia.
Singapore Values
In fact, before I moved to Singapore, I didn’t even care what people thought about me. I loved being able to feel free, no one to judge me. However, I will admit to you I feel a lot of shame here. I have told you that my family is so grateful, to have food and shelter. However, in Singapore it’s simply not enough.
Lower class
I don’t live in the “right” condo. I send my kids to one of the cheapest schools. I worry about paying for university education. I can’t afford tennis lessons for my kids. I meet new people and you can see them immediately figure out with my socio-economic status. Then dismiss me and thus my kids. I worry every day that this will affect my kids’ insecurities.
use your brain
The thing is even if what I have just written to you is true. Then as an adult I’m going to take these feelings and I have to learn to cope with them in my brain. I say this because I need to show my kids how to be resilient. The brain knows feelings are not facts. I need me to use my brain to cope with my insecurity.